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The Possum Ponderosa/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, a lot of guys my age drink way too much coffee. It's not hard to figure out. If you haven't had a good night's sleep since 1991, or if you hear something humming and then you realize it's you, or if you can't afford to be anywhere where they don't have bathrooms or trees, maybe it's time to cut down on your coffee intake. Now, my wife suggests that I should drink tea instead. Yeah, right. Maybe I should take up dancing lessons and learn how to knit. No, no, the answer is just to give up coffee, but that could be tough to do. Anybody who's tried to cut down or lives with someone who's tried, knows that a morning without coffee is kind of like a hockey game without a fight. What you need is some intermediate step to take you from too much coffee over to no coffee at all. So grab a strip off the old handyman's secret rehab. You want to lay that down on your workbench, or your dining room table or what have you, sticky side up. Then you want to take some of your favourite blend, sprinkle that right on there. Okay. Now what you've done, you've made a caffeine patch, okay. Stick that on your arm, and now the caffeine will be released from the instant coffee directly into your -- into your -- into your bloodstream. And you're -- and you're well on your way to being off the stuff completely. [ cheering and applause ] [ whistles and cheering ] all right, then. My golly. Thank you very much. Thank you. I appreciate that. You know harold and I have been on kind of a research project all week. He wants us to find something interesting in the history of the lodge that we can use to attract tourists. You know, I kind of hoped that by this point, we'd have built up a clientele of regular customers, but so far the only repeat business we've had is one guy who came back with a search warrant 'cause he dropped his ray bans down the two-holer. Uncle red! Oh! Uncle red! Uncle red! Look what I found! Look what I found! Look what I found! Look what I found! False teeth. They're made out of wood. I think they belong to george washington. These could be over, like, 200 years old. No, harold, no. No, no, no, no, no. No. Yeah. Those are old man sedgewick's teeth. Ahh! Ahh! Ohh! He has wooden teeth? Yeah, you know, he says they're quieter. He likes to eat corn chips in the library. What does he -- why does he leave them at the lodge? Well, you know, it was mexican night and the food was so spicy, he was afraid they would burst into flame on him. 'course nobody wants him shooting his mouth off. But don't worry, harold. There's your tourist magnet right there. [ laughter ] uncle red, you think people are going to come to the lodge to see a paddle? Well, it's not just any paddle, harold. Look at the lines on there, see? Age seven, age seven and a half, age eight, age eight and a half, age nine, age -- age nine and a half, yeah, okay, I get it. Yes, yes, it's a stick marking some kid's height. So what? Not just any kid, harold. A famous member of the green family. Ever heard of lorne greene? Yeah. Says lorne up there. And I figure he was my grandpa green's second cousin by a previous marriage and a prior commitment. [ laughter ] so I figure this paddle proves that the famous lorne greene is a relative of ours and stayed right here at possum lodge. Wow! The real lorne greene? Greene with the extra "e" on the end of it? Unlike the unfamous red green who has no extra anything. [ laughter ] anywhere. Harold, when people go into show business they change their names. He added an "e", harold, okay. So I figure that we can change possum lodge into an attraction based on lorne greene, just like dolly parton did with "dollywood". [ laughter ] well, dolly parton has two things you don't have. [ laughter ] brains and money. [ laughter and applause ] it's the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's winner receives a coupon for a free oil change and cheeseburger from mchanic's. Possum lake's first drive-through car repair shop and fast food restaurant. Home of the slogan "do you want tires with that?" okay, cover your -- oh, never mind. Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get edgar to say this word. All right, mike. And go. Okay, edgar, okay, if you work with c4, this is what you don't want to be... In the same county. That stuff'll blow your clothes right off. I've seen me running back to your truck with nothing but a little plunger in front of me and hoping that the smoke would hold out. Okay, no, no, no, no, okay, okay. Uh, when a guy works with explosives but he makes a lot of mistakes, what would you call him? Lefty. Okay, edgar, when someone does what you do for a living, this is something they can't afford to be... Insured? If somebody calls you incompetent, dangerous and reckless, that means you're... Back in front of the licensing board again. Okay, okay, okay. When a man is not careful, he's... Married. [ laughter ] we're almost out of time, mr green. Yeah, well, you know, edgar, I think this cheeseburger is just flying away on you here. Oh, big deal. With my cholesterol, I could care less. Yeah! Yeah! [ applause ] [ ♪ ] ♪ his name is rothschild, winston rothschild ♪ ♪ when your tank goes bad and starts to ooze ♪ ♪ you need a man with rubber shoes ♪ ♪ call rothschild, winston rothschild ♪ ♪ he has real nice clothes ♪ ♪ but he's hard on the nose ♪ ♪ still he's the one that we all chose ♪ ♪ 'cause you know for sure you'll never get hosed ♪ ♪ with rothschild, winston rothschild ♪ ♪ when your line's all blocked ♪ ♪ and you know you're stuck ♪ ♪ you need a guy who's a world class suck ♪ ♪ call rothschild, winston rothschild ♪ ♪ call rothschild, winston rothschild ♪ ♪ call rothschild, winston rothschild ♪ [ grunting ] oh, I'm kind of going a different way with the handyman corner this time. I thought I would take a normal problem and demonstrate how the true handyman uses ingenuity and persistence to overcome any obstacles. You know the same approach would bring success in your personal or professional lives too, but I find that stuff pretty boring. So what we have here is a flat tire with some pretty rusty lugs on there. Okay, now, I started with brute force there, 'cause that's always the shortest way home. But when brute force fails, what you have to do is go with more brute force. This time we're going to add a little science in there, the law of the lever, which is not: "if you don't love her, leave her." [ laughter ] I'm talking about the extra torc you get whenever you extend the handle of your tool. [ laughter ] now, a lot of guys would quit at this point, but then they're not me. And we all feel pretty good about that. We're gonna give up on brute force, we're gonna switch over to technology. This here is an impact wrench. It uses compressed air to do the work for you. Sorry you had to see that back there. You know, a handyman losing his temper is the reason we have hospitals. But look at how I haven't let this thing beat me. See I took the socket off the impact wrench, stuck it onto the wheel -- onto the wheel nut there, and then I welded this end of the pipe onto the socket. And now to give me the extra power to loosen this baby off, I attached the other end of this pipe to the drive shaft of this car. Now she's only 200 horse, but I figure in reverse she'll have enough power to fire those nuts off no problem. And then when it comes time to tighten them back on, well, I can put it in drive and then I've got three speeds to choose from. The important life lesson here is you don't ever give up, you don't ever give in and most importantly, you don't ever read the owner's manual. So remember... If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. [ creaking ] man, those nuts are left-hand thread! [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] most men are not naturally neat. We can't help it; it's genetic. See, women have the two "x" chromosomes, that's a matched set, okay. We have an "x" and a "y". As far as we're concerned, anything goes with anything. [ laughter ] in fact, making a mess is how the human male marks his territory. And when you think about it, it's -- it's a lot better than the way we used to do it. The point is all your life you've thrived on chaos. Remember your first apartment? Remember the first time your mother dropped in on your first apartment? Remember how she fainted? And her fall was broken by those empty pizza boxes? Enough said. But lately you've had strange stirrings, haven't you? Unfamiliar yearnings like when you're walking by the shed you start thinking, you know, I should clean that up. Or you're thinking, landscaping would make this place a lot homier. I know it's scary, but don't panic. It's a natural part of the maturing process, see, you've finally come to the age where you've acquired all the territory you're gonna conquer. It's not gonna get any bigger, maybe you can get it organized. It's not because your wife has finally managed to take over your mind while you were sleeping. Now, if you're smart, you'll accept that now you're a neater person. And if you're really smart, you'll let your wife think you're doing it for her. Remember, I'm pulling for you; we're all in this together. [ applause ] when a strong blast from methane burns the hair from your nose, when it weakens your knees and buckles your toes, when there's a rising damp on your lawn and your clothes, you'll wish that rothschild sewage had been the sucker you chose. This lorne greene idea is really starting to take shape. All the years we've struggled to build our own popularity and all we had to do was steal somebody else's. [ laughter ] and in order to cash in on lorne greene's success, possum lodge is now know as possum ponderosa. [ laughter ] and I'll tell you, it's not just a money maker, it's a "bonanza". [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and whistles ] you all remember the village people. [ laughter ] we're just trying to enhance the lorne greene experience by dressing up like characters from the show. I didn't know ben cartwright had two jackasses. [ laughter ] we're his sons. Dalton is hoss. You're hoss? Yeah, very much so, yes. He always had an air of quiet dignity. [ laughter ] well, you have an air of loud embarrassment. [ laughter ] and who are you supposed to be, liberace cartwright? [ laughter ] no, I'm little joe. Oh, little joke, maybe. You should see moose thompson. He's hop sing. [ laughter ] a little light on the sing, a little heavy on the hop. Maybe this was a bad idea. Oh, no, no, no, uncle red. We already have 60 guests booked for the first possum ponderosa weekend. We've got to make it look good. You get to be ben cartwright. Well, now you're talking. Okay, okay, okay, okay. Red (voice over): You know every year at the start of football season, the big question is... What do you do with the people who weren't picked? So I thought we'd have a bit of a football competition, there. And we had six footballs, and I put a couple of initials on each one so there was two with a "d", two with a "w", two with an "m". And so take the two with the "d", no "w", and give those to winston. Winston -- he's gonna throw. He's gonna be the passer. Then I take the two with the "d"s on them and I give them to dalton. Dalton's gonna be the punter. The kicker, the punter, the punter, the kicker -- give it a try there, dalton. How is the back anyway? Not good, not good, okay. And now mike's challenge -- he's going to do the place kicking. I'm not sure mike really grasps the whole concept of how that whole kicker stance -- not, not -- so anyway, so winston's gonna go first. So he does the y.A. Tittle thing and then had to change his pants and then he came out and threw the football. And not a bad -- no, not a bad toss. Not bad, not bad. Okay, there's the "w". Now, dalton, your chall -- see if you can kick it farther than winston threw it. Okay, okay. Careful on the back, now, dalton, careful. Here we go, here we go. Back okay? Looks all right. No, no. Okay and -- okay, now, that's good. That's good, it's not that much farther, dalton. Mike, he puts his on the tee there, and he's gonna -- oh, boy -- oh. A little something he learned in prison. And okay, so, they're all pretty happy, but to me, I was a little disappointed in the overall quality of the competition. It's not like these were that far down the field. So okay, so I'm saying you guys get one more ball each. Let's put a little extra into it. I'll get rid of this. Okay so winston has a ramp and down he comes and just really let's her go. Oh! Oh! Oh, boy, oh! We don't wanna -- we don't want to see that. Winston, I can't even look at that. No, no, put that away. Put that away. Oh, I gotta get fish this Friday. And then dalton tapes a sledgehammer to the side of his leg. I'm not sure this is not completely legal. Give him a little extra oomph. This is like the tungsten ejected titanium golf club, audience: O-o-o-h! Red (voice over): So mike decides that he's just gonna maybe overinflate the ball a little bit. He cranks the compressor up well past the safe zone, and I don't know how big -- oh, they go pretty big. Yeah, they go pretty big. So now I guess the idea is when he makes contact with that, she should take off. Yeah, okay, okay, all right, all right, good. All right, let 'er go, let 'er go. And -- oh, boy, oh, boy. And I think -- that's the whole length -- that's a -- there's a field goal. Well, there's your -- now, shake hands, shake hands with everybody. C'mon, mike, be a good sport and shake hands -- don't shake -- no, no, no, no, no. Well, then just -- well, maybe -- no, no, no, maybe not, all right, okay. Don't worry, dalton. We'll fix this. [ cheers and applause ] [ ♪ ] yeah, I know I got it. Pepperoni, ground beef ground pork and extra cheese. You want a double bypass with that? Yeah, yeah, it's coming right up. Remember that game you used to play when you were a kid? No, not that game. The other one where you and a friend would see who could skip a stone the farthest out across the lake? Well, hold that thought. This is stinky peterson's island. They say no man is an island, but in stinky's case we're prepared to make an exception. Actually stinky's away for a couple of weeks. He asked me to look after his business for him, a pizza delivery business. And stinky's got a real unique way of getting them out to you. He sits them in between a couple of old wheel discs. And then he fires them out to you across the lake, using that skeet thrower. He can only deliver, you know, to houses on the lake, but that prevents his business from getting so big he can't handle it. This pizza here is for dalton's daughter, so I've just gotta aim it at his place. [ laughter and applause ] there we go. You know, stinky calls it a pizzeria but it could just as easily be called a skeet-zeria. And every pizza comes with a guarantee... No more than 30 skips, or it's free. And... Pull. [ discs hitting water ] [ cheers and applause ] you've made yourself successful, so many friends to thank. It's good to have a life that's full, but not a septic tank. Come on in, come on in. Well -- [ cheers and applause ] you all right, harold? It's been that kind of a weekend. We hit a few snags with our ponderosa thing. It turns out our lorne greene wasn't the real lorne greene. We all got caught with our chaps down on that one. But I find that whenever you pretend to be something that you're not, you get yourself into trouble unless your company is publicly traded. [ laughter ] but it's okay, it's okay. Everything's fine now. They dropped the charges. Harold, I can't believe all those people were relatives of lorne greene. Oh, no, they weren't. No, a lot of them were litigators. Yeah, we had some copyright infringement issues, some licensing violations. Of course, there's that whole kafuffle about whether or not livestock should be allowed in the restaurant. That was something we got to learn. You know, I felt that after I spoke to them things kind of settled down. Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Once they heard you speak, boy, they realized we were doing it out of ignorance. Yeah, they were just trying to protect the reputation of lorne greene, that's all. And we did not mention battlestar galactica. They really appreciated that. That helped. Well, harold, what now? I mean, how are we going to promote the lodge if we can't lie? Well, how about we base the campaign on the lodge's natural beauty and serenity and of course the majesty of possum lake. We're so dead. So dead. We're finished. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you go ahead, harold, okay. Okay. I'll be right down. So if my wife is watching, this old cowpoke will be blazing a trail straight home after the meeting. Today I tried to be lorne greene, but I found out how tough it is to be a star. That's not going to happen to me; I'm staying in canada. [ laughter and applause ] and to the rest of you, thanks for watching on behalf of myself, harold and the gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] oh, here we are, okay, take your seats, please. Sit down, sit down. The meeting's about to begin. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, guys, now that the possum lodge ponderosa thing has been cancelled, we got a chuckwagon to give away if anybody's interested. Anybody? Okay, okay, it's not actually a chuckwagon, it's a '79 k-car. Okay, and we've taken the shocks out of her, so it's really more of an upchuck wagon. (shouting) bob, you want to turn on your hearing aid? Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.On.Com